...

cabbage rolls

2010-09-13T20:00:00.000-04:00

Irish egg rolls

2010-09-07T22:57:00.002-04:00

Meiko - Piano Song

2010-06-13T19:10:00.000-04:00

Every little thing I do, I do for you
With every little thing, I think a thought of you

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Jealous of the way they walk, the way *they* talk
'Cause I don't think they know just what they got
I'm jealous of the way they look, the way they are
When I just want to be the way we were

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here

But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Well, I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me,

The few... the proud

2009-12-13T20:27:00.002-05:00

No i'm not talking about the marines.

I can no longer postulate what life has in stall for me. The last 6 months has been a giant roller coaster. I'm just glad I survived it. I'm not sure i can survive taking any more hits in the near term from anymore curveballs... But I know for now, they've ceased, and I've been reveling in this chance to recover.

hopefully it keeps up.

meanwhile i'll keep wrapping christmas presents.

Joshua Radin - One of those days

2009-10-03T21:15:00.001-04:00

Wait right here
Was all she said to me
And so right here I stay
Time has reached our home
And I've been left alone
It's carried her away

And everyone keeps saying
Nothing helps but time
Time is all I own
The time won't stop replaying over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

Now a year has passed
Alone I stay inside
And I await the rain
To wash away your face
So I don’t have to hide
The sight of you is painful

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can’t take it anymore
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

I can't stop
Seeing your face
I can't stop
Seeing your face
Everyplace

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it anymore
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days (yeah)

Circumstances be damned

2009-09-27T17:26:00.002-04:00

Sometimes... I wonder what becomes of us when we lose all hope. Do we simply surrender ourselves to the fate that we do not wish for?

Do we lose hope when devastating things happen, beyond our control? That the only reasons for these devastating events be circumstances, a combination of actions from individuals beyond our control. That is difficult to bear. Humans have always felt some degree of control, and lack of control, a complete surrender of wills is somewhat impossible. Even the most devout feel that their doings is sanctioned by some god, so they still maintain some degree of freedom.

Is it odd that when a long series of unfortunate events occur, that one feels that the will to recover is gradually becoming further and further away?

When it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel has extinguished, how long does one search? when does one give up? when does one become resigned to living in darkness?

Patience

2009-09-01T20:58:00.002-04:00

I've never been good at patience, or waiting. Really, I like to think my personality trends towards realistic instant gratification. Quality is important too, and I'll sacrifice some speed for quality. I think anyone who knew me can tell you that I have a tendency to jump to the end. I don't like things to drag out, i don't like things to go longer than they should...

Recently, I think my patience has been fairly challenged by the events happening in my life. Not only is the most important thing in my life falling apart, it just seems like the other aspects of my life that i normally withdraw myself into has become a mess as well. I would like to think that when "shit" happens, I like to think that things always happen for the best, and that whatever doesn't kill us will make us stronger. That's really easier said than practiced. I am really a glass 1/2 empty kind of person, and realistically, 1/2 empty is a really degraded situation. I can easily focus on despair, and drown myself in it.

I think all I can do is focus on how lucky I have been to make it as far as I have. all this "at least you have a job, at least you can afford food" kind of talk is just... not realistic. It's not any consolation. Ultimately one should not compare yourself with others. Everyone's situation and circumstance is different. I've worked my arse off in my life to get where I am, and this kind of thinking is marginalizing my efforts. I am grateful for what I have, but it doesn't mean that I should always focus on what I have earned. I should focus on achieving that which I really want, and perpetual contentment would not breed self improvement....

I'm not quite sure what I said made sense in words... I dislike being told to focus on the "flip side." The japanese have a saying that there's a flip side to every flip side. One must look at both, and work on achieving the best situation.

Anyway, I think my best option is to wait out the events. We'll see how I do with time...

Amos Lee - Sweet Pea

2009-09-01T20:54:00.000-04:00

Sweet pea
Apple of my eye
Don't know when and I don't know why
You're the only reason I keep on coming home

Sweet pea
What's all this about
Don't get your way all you do is fuss and pout
You're the only reason I keep on coming home

I like the Rock of Gibraltar
I always seem to falter
And the words just get in the way
Oh I know I'm gonna crumble
I'm trying to stay humble
But I never think before I say

Sweet pea
Keeper of my soul
I know sometimes I'm out of control
You're the only reason I keep on coming
You're the only reason I keep on coming yeah
You're the only reason I keep on coming home

I almost ran over a turkey

2009-08-19T11:43:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, on my way home, I just about hit a turkey running across the road. I think that was the first time I've even seen a turkey in the wild. Either that, or it is a really really mutated chicken... I do work at the nuke plant, and this doesn't happen THAT far from where I work... j/k there's no way that could be a chicken.

Why did the turkey cross the road? i don't know.

A friend once told me that if you hit a chicken, you would have to pay the owner of said chicken for the price of that chicken, and any potential offsprings it could have. That's one pricy hit-and-run. I would certainly not kill a cow if this rule could be extrapolated as such.

Anyway, several people asked me what love was, of late. I don't know. To the best of my knowledge, it is forgiveness. It's the ability to forgive no matter how much you were wronged. There's other parts of it, but i think forgiveness is the most key aspect. If you love someone, it does not mean that you necessarily like them. sure, love is a driver, love causes you to do for others, love can put you in a state of euphoria, and love can solve all problems. But "for better or for worse..." during the worse, love is forgiveness. Love is also sacrifice... but sacrifice is giving, and forgiving lesser returns. You understand the lesser returns, and forgive the other for it, and still does for the other what you do anyway...

Maybe I'm off base.

my head hurts...

The price of happiness

2009-08-17T17:13:00.003-04:00

I am unsure whether or not I could put a price on happiness. True, the only one who can look out for my own happiness is myself. But at the cost of what? at the cost of others? I certainly cannot justify that. I have learned that I should not ever let anyone MAKE me happy. That i could be happy by myself. But if those that I care about are un-happy, how can I be happy?

If i sacrifice myself for someone else's peace of mind, and not necessarily their happiness... then is that worth it? is anything supposed to be worth more than my own happiness?

mmm....

HURRAY FOR TURN SIGNALS

2009-08-03T16:20:00.004-04:00

this is a shoutout to the guy in the beat ass car that was driving in front of me. None of his turn signals worked, but he still hand signaled. Awesome. I almost got out of my car and gave him all the money out of my wallet.

times when turn signals are NOT effective:

1. after you've slammed on your brakes so you could make the turn
2. when they're not being used
3. when you're NOT turning/merging
4. while you are merging
5. while you are turning
6. one click on (I could have been blinking)
7. when they don't work.

I think not using turn signals is a more dangerous act than speeding.

Anyway, on a different note...
I also think it's funny when it's 4:20 and i say, "oh, it's 4:20." and i watch people at work pretend like they don't know what it means. (though some of them, it's real...)

So I give up on the songs

2009-06-24T09:45:00.001-04:00

Yeah, don't have time.

In any case, I've probably already said this, but sometimes until people say things, they don't really realize the gravity of the situation. Things are somehow not real until it's verbalized/written (in a fashion where there's another person now aware of what was said/written.) Anyway, the human mind has a way of shielding ourselves from our own thoughts. While most of the time, we are not good liars, we are supherb liars to ourselves. If we feel slighted, we really must be, the big picture has been lost. If we really want to behave one way, we may feel that we are behaving that way, when in reality another behavior is prevalent.

It's difficult for all of us to be honest wiht ourselves. We get bogged down with details and sensory input that sometimes simple questions like "what would you like to eat" becomes a dilemma and the answer is not actually the honest answer. I suppose part of the problem is that we inherently like to think we are altruistic, while we are actually selfish. Society has built in all these stigmas against being selfish, but in all honestly, being truely selfish would harm nobody. Anything you did for someone else would be because you wanted to, because it benefitied you more than it would cost you. When people feel that others are less altruistic than they are, then they feel "slighted." which is, a result of being selfish, wanting others to give to you in the same way you perceive you give to them.

I have seen people lie to themselves more than I have seen people be honest with themselves. I wish my rose coloured glasses were more effective.

general mayhem

2009-04-28T15:22:00.002-04:00

I very much dislike people that ride mopeds/scooters on 2 lane highways that only have double yellow lines. Reason being: they can't go very fast, and the speed limit is friggin 55mph. I have no desire to have prolong my 20 minute commute to and from work, because I am friggin tired when i'm going to work, and i'm tired when i'm coming home from work. I think this general disatisfaction with my commute is mostly hinged on how work has been lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm very glad that I have a job. I am just exhausted from the constantly shifting shifts.

Anyway...

I just needed to rant about the moped guy. I had a distinct urge to run him over. He could have pulled over and let the 40 cars behind him pass, but nope, he just kept trucking down the road, even when the was a pulloff. I mean, come on, common courtesy. Apparently that's a completely overrated thing now a days.

I totally forgot about march

2009-04-18T01:00:00.003-04:00

I'll finish up march when april is done. how's that. then it's gonna be a two-fer. Though I can't promise anything... Been so busy lately. What with the Outage starting. I think that there probably won't be any posting til late may or june. SAD! unless I have the wonderful opportunity of sitting around on nightshift watching a power maneuver or something equally exciting, of course.

Sometimes I think that I'm a really mean person. Not like in my everyday jabs, the stuff that comes out, I have a lot of truly malicious comments that I filter on a minute to minute basis. This is of course, not counting the hours I spend thinking of mean replies back to any ol' mundane statement. Maybe it's because it's something I do to keep my wit sharp... Maybe it's just this need to always have a comeback for whatever comes my way... Or it's just something I do to stay entertained with myself. Regardless, there's no good reason I need to be busting someone's proverbial "balls" mentally when I really should be focused on what they're saying or my surroundings.

But really, I don't think I'm that mean. Maybe I just hate the "DAMMIT i should have thought of that come back 2 minutes ago when it was applicable." The feeling that maybe I'm just too slow really bothers me. Ever since I was about 13 or 14, I've the distinct feeling that my mental capacity and abilities are slowing down. ok. I know you're thinking "dude you're 24, quit making the rest of us feel old..." But really I'm serious. There are things that I could do, mentally, that are far beyond my current capabilities. For instance, I used to be able to listen to a song once, and figure out how to play it on the violin/bass. And I used to be able to remember how to play hundreds of songs. Maybe my interests have waned (hahaha... that was a pun on my name...), but I don't think so. Another example would be how fast I used to be able to learn/memorize. Now a days, I have trouble learning at the same speed, I'm much slower on the uptake, and I can't remember 1/10th of the stuff I used to be able to remember. (maybe my brain's just full of junk now and I really ought to throw some of the trash out.)

AHHHHH... Feeling old. I really wish that I never went on my psychotic drugs. I've felt considerably worse since I've started taking them, and it's been almost 2 years since I've last taken that type of pill and I still feel like I haven't gained my emotional and mental functions back 50%. That blows. Though, I'm less prone to anger and less prone to emotional fits and deperssion... I'm not sure that's a good trade off for not being able to be 100% happy. There's still some part of me that's like... pfffffffffffffffffffffffffbbbbbbbb ok.

pffffffffffffffffffffbbbbbbbbbbbbbb is a fun noise to make.

Honestly though, I'm in a good place in life now, and I'm feeling that I have a good chance of recovering. I think instablity in my life sets me back several steps as far as mental recuperation. I am very lucky to get out of the lull that I have. I thank whatever god/fate/what-have-you that there is in this world that I've got what I've got, and I have the life that I have. All the crap in the world that happened to me don't matter because I am where I am.

Thanks?

H

TIME TRAVEL!?

2009-03-26T12:38:00.005-04:00

"and it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time..." - Death Cab for Cutie

Never does time feel like it's speeding by so much as when one is happy. I know that for me, when my life is in a lull, a stagnant local minima, days blur together. I could piece together the most exciting events from several weeks and maybe make one semi-intersting day. Or it would just feel like I was living the same day over and over again. In any case, those are not the times in my life that I make plans. I want the days to pass; I want something to change. It could be that there isn't anything that could make my life concievably more boring, less worthwhile. But they eventually fade.

They always fade to this time of general euphoria, where all the shit that happens in the world couldn't ruin your happiness. Then I make plans for the future, hoping that the happiness lasts forever. Every day I hope it passes by slower so I could enjoy every second as much as I can. It's not that I don't want time to past, I look foward to the future. But my prayer, is that time doesn't take away the things that make my happiness go away.

The inevitability of things fading with time, healing with time, forgotten in time... maybe they're not for the best, and maybe they are for the best. But for now, I don't want things to fade, I don't want to forget, and sometimes the right kind of pain and hurt is better than healing.

H

superabilities and overcompensation

2009-03-23T15:57:00.002-04:00

I have always thought, that if I could have any superpower, it would probably be instant teleportation. Though I have thought in recent months that it would be nice to be invincible. I have always been around people who treat their bodies as if they were invincible. I remember thinking that some of my friends were freakish in the invulunerability to injury and pain. They always did cool stuff, had great adventures, and had fun. I on the other hand, fueled by the paranoia my parents instilled in me, had felt fragile and lame.

I remember wanting to play soccer in 6th grade, and was told that the larger children (I was always small... not that it's really a surprise) would bully me and push me over. I wasn't afraid of falling or being shoved. Hell, I'd been stuffed in a locker by 7th grade, and got in plenty of school yard scraps. I wasn't... afraid I would fall apart. I still somehow retained the "I'm young and will heal" attitude. As the years wore on, I was repeatedly denied activities I wanted to participate in due to the "danger" of these activities. For example: going to lalapalooza (I think, it was a music festival at the gorge none the less) with my 6'4" friend Fritz (My parents quoted woodstock and some other crazy incidents... which, as i grew to learn at the ripe old age of 18, is not a comparable accident.) , not being able to snowboard/ski because I would hurt myself, not allowed to wander off and explore the world on my own/go to friends' houses for fear I would be kidnapped or fed drugs or alcohol, not being able to eat halloween candy due to drug scare...

Eventually, what was left of my invincibility was whittled away from me. I became scared, paranoid, and overly conservative. I know I overcompensate for this at times by not reacting to pain, by being overly courageous, doing things against my better judgement because I wanted some bit of invincibility to show through. I remember how the first few times my dad showed me how to drive, how scared I was. I could imagine cars flying about crashing into me from any direction (though, that could have been the fault of being in the car with my mother when she drove). I was always overly conservative with the brakes. Gradually I grew out of my fears (some, and definitely not all) and started to trust myself and view things with a realistic point of view.

Horror stories are not the way to get people not to do things, though it seems to work well enough in my parents' case. They need the fear, they need the constant vigilence. America is unfamiliar territory to them, their trust in people is not the same as their trust in our own race. I feel that it wasn't fair to me, though I know they meant their best; I don't blame them. I just wish that my life would be a little less dictated by fear/overcompensating for my fears, and more what I want to do.

Go ahead, call me a slacker, it's ok

2009-03-12T08:22:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I posted. Actually, it's almost mid march and this is my first post of the month. Ludicrous, I know.

Anyway, I have a small rant I'd like to make... about people that don't write correctly. I mean the people that constantly replace words with their homonyms. Homonyms such as "they're, their and there," or "effect and affect." Yes, the purpose of written communication is achieved when I UNDERSTAND what said people are trying to say. However, If THESE PEOPLE don't CARE enough about what they're writing to write properly, why should I CARE enough to read their atrocious English and try to guess at what they're saying? Really, they should realize that it makes work for others to try and cypher their message... and to be honest, I'm not currently interested in being in "national treasures" or "the Da Vinci code." Ok. So. Once in a while is ok, it's forgivable. We ALL make mistakes. But repeated offense, especially after one has been corrected many many times, just makes it RUDE. Yes, Rude. It shows that you care nothing about other people and that your own time is more important than others. Fine if you want to ride that high horse, but good luck making it in the corporate world. One minor rude behavior could be political suicide. Also, some of these homonyms could create big misunderstandings. And then you even fail at communication. oh no?!

I'm just saying. That is all.

have a good day.

february s flavour of the month

2009-02-28T13:03:00.004-05:00

311 - I'll be Here Awhile
Paul Potts - Nessun Dorma
Frehel - Si tu n'etais pas la
Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
Schandmaul - Sonnenstrahl
Eric Johnson - Cliffs of Dover
Sugarland - Baby Girl
Nada Surf - Paperboats
Baz Luhrman - Everybody's Free
Sheryl Crow & Kid Rock - Picture
Fugees - Killing me Softly
Cake - Walk On By
Dragon Force - My Spirit Will Go On
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Someday Never Comes
Alanis Morissette - Ironic
Dashboard Confessional - Swiss Army Romance
Sugar Ray - Someday
Ben Folds - Still Fighting It
Atmosphere - Reflections
Ilaria Graziano - Einstein Groovin'
Bond - The 18 12
Buckcherry - Crazy Bitch
Heart - Love Hurts
Love - Always See Your Face
Meridith Brooks - Bitch
Hootie and The Blowfish - Little Brother
Radiohead - No Surprises
Maynard Furguson - Birdland

I'm not a rock.

2009-02-27T11:14:00.002-05:00

You know... I'm pretty sure I carry a pretty big man card for a girl... And one of those things that add to your man card is crying "man-tears" when you really want to cry. Pretty much, that just involves the quivering, and the facial twitch, but no actual tears. I may have perfected that.

I feel like throwing up.

I feel so...doomed. I guess I should sleep.

motivation

2009-02-13T10:55:00.003-05:00

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know" - Ernest Hemingway

I'm not sure what it is I want out of life. I suppose I just want everyone around me to smile. I had seen a lot of responses to hemingway's quote on the internet. A lot of the response included something like "if intelligent people are truely intelligent, then they can make heaven from hell, they can make themselves happy, they would know how to be happy." That is the biggest crock of shit i've ever heard. You don't think that I don't search for happiness, that I don't look for happiness in the small things and revel in the little sunshine that there is in my life?

I do.

The problem is that often, with intelligence, you become more cognisant of the wrongs that they are. There are more consequences that can be seen, and nothing good ever comes without sacrifice. And sacrifice means someone is getting short changed out of their happiness. Maybe I'm not "happy," but i sure as hell ain't sad. Some time in the past, I have learned to shut off certain parts of me and go through the motions of being normal. I think this happened with the prescriptions they put me on, and partially with the incredible mood swings I once had. And I can normally function at a fraction of those emotions and be ok. However, under duress... it just feels like a dam that's about to break. The highs are really high, and the lows are devastating. Ok, this might sound like I'm bipolar. which... I am. I don't want to get off the highs, and the lows cause me to want to end everything and give up. So... maybe that's why I hide my feelings, because I don't quite want to die yet.

There's no "making my life happy." Things happen that are outside of my control all the time, and an intelligent person cannot be oblivious to the shit that happens. they wouldn't be intelligent if they were oblivious -> ignorant. You can only stay happy if you're ignorant.

I'm not saying that I don't have my moments of happiness. I am a fairly happy person, if not, i wish to be. But shit happens, and I can't ignore that.

Francisco Domingo Carlos Andres Sebastián d'Anconia

2009-02-12T20:53:00.002-05:00

you may damn me, but i swear, i am your friend.

I don't really want any response to this

2009-02-09T19:02:00.003-05:00

or really even any mention that i wrote this. I just need to get this all out.

I love a lot of things, my friends, the full moon lighting my way to work, having fun, everything. But sometimes i think what is that without someone to share that with? I don't even think people appreciate all the childlike joy i have for random things. Yeah, I know a lot of it is really immature and odd for a 24 year old girl to have. I get ridiculously giggly over immature comments and enjoy teasing the hell out of people. I still think burning things with an aerosol can and a lighter is hilarious. I still feel like touching people is awkward.

AND I KNOW THIS IS ALL SILLY. I wish I could GROW THE FUCK UP from these stupid tendencies. I also wish i could be young and stop rushing and hurrying like i have some place to be. like I'm someone so important the world should revolve around me. But this is all me. Where the hell am i going to find someone who gets me? I AM WAY TOO WEIRD. Yeah i guess a "pretty" face and a relatively trim body would make up for it. but when the body goes, all that's left is the mind. who the hell wants to deal with my brain. it's insane!

also. I feel the need to make those who make me jaded hurt. a lot. It's hard for me to be optimistic, and I don't need you shooting down what hope i have left. telling me "that's how the world is." Maybe, you don't realize, that I DO KNOW how it is. I DO understand and CHOOSE to not believe it. I CHOOSE to be naive and have faith for the better. I absolutely blame you few individuals for making me hate the things i hate. Not only is my opinion, my optimism for the way things will be and the things that are, absolutely denied. I feel that there is some perverse enjoyment that these people get out of raining on my parade. They must really like making me so frustrated in the inherent flaws of man that I no longer want to be part of them. FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK. OK so it's easy to say ignore them... but when... they're people you can't ignore, the supposed people who are the closest to you, what do you do? Bitterness is contagious, and whatever optimism i have left is turned into frustration and despair. I get so upset that i feel like crying and screaming at these people.

anyway, other than that. February sucks. yeah I'm bitter that I'm not one of those happy people too. I'm just in a generally bitter mood.

is it too much to ask to burn out instead of fade out?

I feel like shit. maybe a shower and sleep will make me feel better. it is hash day tomorrow, after all.

quick observation

2009-02-08T19:22:00.000-05:00

riding on a motorcycle at night: the headlights give off this pattern that looks like dragonfly wings. and it really does feel like flying.

better than spontaneous laughter

2009-02-07T21:38:00.003-05:00

mmm I love to laugh... but... the following items could be better (also no particular order). (also, everything is better with laughter.)

eating delicious food with friends
creating delicious foods
drawing something beyond awesome (such that I'm also in awe... i know i'm hypercrtical.
being productive, but not work related productive.
Feeling tired after a day of being productive.
frolicking in the sun
going fast
learning new things about random things
petting animals
feeling like a rockstar
using tools for their unintended purpose
wearing a wifebeater after it's been so damn cold that going w/o a jacket would just be insane... (i.e. the first warm day after a streak of ridiculously cold weather)
knowing my friends are just as odd as i am.
dressing like a bum.
singing irish drinking songs?
unintended sexual innuendos.

also, I HEART THE SUN. the weather made me feel like a million (and a 1/2) bucks. gorgeous day. yes.

PS (02.08.09)

also. motorcycle rides. especially the first one of the year. but. doesn't that fall under: frolicking in the sun, going fast, and the first warm day after a streak of ridiculously cold weather?

if i were emo

2009-02-04T21:12:00.002-05:00

i would have to dye my hair black

and wear tight, black clothing

and look like i was about to cry

and no one would be my friend

except other emo kids,
which don't exist here.

i would feel worse about myself

and start slitting my wrists

and get help, go to baseball camp;

and take happy pills, become addicted

and get help, go to baseball camp, again.

Wow good thing i'm not emo...

1) i like my hair
2) i like having friends
3) i'm not keen on baseball camp
4) my last last stint with happy pills possibly made me worse off.

on drama

2009-02-04T19:11:00.001-05:00

fuck drama.

that is all
have a good day, all.

the art of laughter

2009-02-03T20:22:00.005-05:00

Mmm... Lots of things make me laugh. I like to laugh. I hope my laugh isn't obnoxious.

The best, is when one hears someone else laugh, and one starts laughing only because someone else is laughing... and it perpetuates. Laughing is also the easiest ab work out of all time. Because it's fun, and...It's FUNNY!!!!

yay.

oh my god i scare myself that was possibly happier than yoshi's island (which at times i feel like vomiting because that game... is overwhelmingly happy.)

OK. I have to explain something... I don't NOT have self esteem. I do. I have a lot of it. I believe I'm good at most things I try at (horrible at basketball); I believe I look better than the average... person; I believe that I'm smarter than the average person. Now, that doesn't mean that I'm NOT insecure. I am. very much so. It depends heavily upon the situation. Normally, at the mall, around normal people, I'm much more confident. But because I'm also around a lot of superb people on a day to day basis. I believe there are tons of people around me that are also better at me at something. So, I hate being shown up, so it's easier to... be less than average in mentality.

anyway.

My top 31 (one for each day, eh?) favourite songs of the past month(in no particular order):

Aerosmith - What It Takes
Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Follow You Into The Dark
Remy Zero - Fair
Happy End - Kaze Wo Atsumete
John Wesley Harding - I'm Wrong about Everything
Weezer - The Good Life
Cake - Mexico
Pedro The Lion - The Fleecing
Modest Mouse - Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset
Alice In Chains - Rooster
Aoi Toda (Ed from Cowboy Bebop) - Wo Qui Non Coin
Ben Folds - Gone
Talking Heads - Psycho Killer
David Bowie - Space Oddity
Panic! at the Disco - Nine In The Afternoon
Sublime- No Woman No Cry (covering Marley... also, the fugees version is phenomenal)
Zakk Wylde (Black Label Society) - In This River
Sonata Artica - Victoria's Secret
Tim McGraw - Something Like That
Montgomery Gentry - Something To be Proud Of
Garth Brooks - I got Friends in Low Places
Third Eye Blind - How's It Gonna Be
The Beatles - Nowhere Man
The Allman Brothers Band - Soulshine
Fuel - Bad Day
Smashing Pumpkins - Beautiful
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Fortunate Son
Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams
The Mountain Goats - No Children
The Toadies - Possum Kingdom
Sugar Ray - Every Morning

If you've heard of all of these songs, congrats. If you haven't, you should check them out. Also wasn't feeling very classical-ly this past month. though today, I could have sworn I felt like the pastoral symphony....

well hello there

2009-02-01T20:03:00.003-05:00

I drove a fair amount this weekend, so I had the opportunity for thought, and here's the result:

I just want to put it out there that the hottest man alive may be Georges St. Pierre. But that's just a celebrity crush, the one that every girl has.

Anyway, I feel like just when I've given up hope, something happens to me that gave me just enough faith to believe a little longer. Yeah, there are lots of things I'm not satisfied with, but that's ok, I can make a difference if I try. So... here's to believing that if i got off my ass and did something i could do it. Oh wait I'm lazy. I am pretty sure that I'm just too lazy to make my life awesome. It's easier to be miserable. Maybe. Anyway....

So since I've started uh, going to the gym some, i've felt a lot better. This is going to sound silly, since i never really showed any flab, but i lost most of it. I also feel better about myself since I started going.

Lots of good things happening.

Actually I didn't get anything I wanted to say out, because for some reason the words just aren't coming to me. Sorry I'm going to give up for now.

man oh man

2009-01-27T19:55:00.001-05:00

-dizzy-

so... lots of stuff happened this week. most of it not so good... But... well, life goes on. "we'll all float on" in the words of Modest Mouse.

The thought of death, i'm sure, scares most people. I am not sure that I'm scared of it, but I very much so want to live. I haven't had enough fun yet, nor have I done nearly 1/2 the things I wanted to do before I turned 25. (OH NOs!!!!!) But I'm not really feeling like I'm in any hurry. As a friend said "why the hell not" is not a good reason to do something, if you want to do something, one should pursue it with initiative and rigor. Then, ensure ownership of that experience and that task. (mmmm I sound like the bossman.) hm.

I want my life to be better as the days wear on. Today is always better than yesterday, tomorrow will be better than today. Can one imagine what's going to happen in a week!!! there's so much excitement I can hardly handle it. The culmination of bad things may be higher, as days wear on, but good things happen too, and I don't ever regret living one more day. no sir.

If/when I die, I want there to be a party. I want everyone who wants to, to come. I also want it to be at a time when people don't have to worry about FFD. So... maybe start at 2:00pm and go til 5:30 so no one will have to "go back to work" :).

yes.

good times to be had for all.

Also, same for 24th birthday. (HUZZAH!)

Also, I like sweaters... comfy!

Frumpy Clothing

2009-01-24T20:18:00.006-05:00

So I was watching "the Devil wears Prada," and I found myself reflecting on myself...

I've never really dressed smartly. In fact, when I was young I would not wear any "girlie" clothing. Eventually, both because of my size (difficult to find things that fit well) and being so picky about what i would and would not wear, i ended up with really slummy clothes.

I didn't have a pair of jeans that fit. If i were to wear them, there'd be a pair of shorts underneath and a belt holding the pants up. Maybe the whole sagging thing was cool, maybe not. I never found out. As I got older, my sense of fashion turned into apathy. I didn't care, because then if people criticized me, I could just tell them i never cared. If I had cared, inevitably, it would mean I failed, and I don't take my own failure well. (there's a cat sleeping on my arms and it's difficult to type.)

The truth is, I wanted to be pretty. I just didn't want to compete with all the much more attractive girls at my school. (Highschool sometimes made me feel so... unattractive that it was easier to just hide in ridiculously huge clothing than to be made fun of.) Anyway, I suppose pretty is also different for everyone. I didn't want to have to deal with all the hassle and work that was associated with dressing myself. I didn't have the money to buy what was in fashion that year.

After I've made money, and was in a more accepting environment (college), I kept doing what i'd always been doing, simply because I didn't know what looked good anymore. It's embarassing to ask for help in dressing yourself. People always seem surprised that I don't wear makeup. It's not because I feel I don't need it (sometimes, i think it could help...), I just don't know anything about them.

Anyway, somewhere along the line, a few friends made me buy some new clothes, which was a good step towards the right direction. I would say that a majority of my clothes are still... frumpy, bummy, etc. Infact, most of it is still the closet of a 13 year old boy. -sob- but I try not to wear those anymore. there's just too much sentimental value in those clothes and I can't throw those away.

So... I was trying to get to this. No matter how much girls say they don't care about their appearance, they do. Some of us are just less aware of it than others. Some are stubborn in expressing their individualism, some are plain janes only because they don't know better. I think that's why women spend so much on clothes. So that men would notice them. We do lots of silly things for men... Yeah, maybe people are better as they are, but this is not a world that is built on inner beauty. This is a world that stops its judgement almost at the skin.

It's almost unfair how much women have to spend on clothing and appearance... men say they don't care, but they do. they always do.

-sigh-

i wanna be pretty.

Luxury tax...

2009-01-24T00:24:00.009-05:00

I apologize in advance for the potentially overserious post (as I haven't written the rest yet, I won't know. I'm also too lazy to go back and change something I've written on something as inconsequential as my blog... so deal.)

Anyway, lately, I've seem to become more aware of how much it SUCKS to be a girl. Granted, when I was younger, I always felt it was easier to be a boy. Ok. Perhaps it's prudent to point out that YES i'm very much straight, and maybe that's why my frustrations are so irksome. So, here are my reasons that being a man is easier.

1) You don't bleed on a monthly basis. (Given.)

2) Men can't experience childbirth. (It'd be different if somehow these first two points were divided equally between the sexes, but they're not. we have to bleed AND carry around dead weight for 9 months AND go through this pain of squeezing a large object through a small hole. where's the justice?)

3) Men are, in general, stronger. and if a girl works out lots... it's... "butch"

4) There are a lot of things that is MORE socially acceptable for men to do than women. There's this stigma that women have to be perfect, that they have to be faithful and loving and a lady. But, it's ok for dudes to be assholes whenever they feel like it. They're entitled. God forbid a girl do the same actions, it's crude and unattractive and they'll be shunned. Or, I suppose, they could be come "one of the dudes" and no one will look at them or treat them like they're a girl. Is there no way to be a girl AND be an asshole sometimes? It's ok for a guy to go to a strip club, when a woman goes at the same frequency it's not cool... what the crap. (not that this is something i really care about. it's just that... well, men can sleep around all they want, and it's cool. not a big deal. a girl sleeps around, and it is the biggest deal in the world... i demand... equal rights? I want the right to be promiscuous and not have negative stigma bearing down on me. not that i'm promiscuous. I'm a good person, I promise, i just want the right to be equally bad... Doesn't mean i'll take advantage of that right.) Basically, if you look at the connotations of Stud vs Slut...
dude that sleeps around lots = stud => positive connotation.
girl that sleeps around lots = slut => negative connotation.
point proven.

5) Harder for girls to dress like a bum and not get criticized.

6) Guys get to do all the fun stuff.

... I have more, but they're too heavy and all the thinking makes me tired... So i'm going to talk about other things.

Black Forest Ham is no good after 5/6 days. It dries out and gets vinegary. good thing I ate the last of it today. with mac and cheese. and it was heavenly. yes.

I'm an idiot.

the hand reader thingy at work will identify my handprint even with two bandaids on (that cover my palm/fingerprint area). Maybe it's because there's not that many people with such ludicrously small hands, and they'd be crazy to come in in here at 9:45pm on a friday night. Better things to do: beers that need to be drank, rockband to be played, go carts to be built, food to be cooked/eat, sex to be had.

ah. well. i'm living that life in my head. it's pretty awesome. I just wish it was reality. haha.... -sigh... sob-

alright enough of this 1am ranting. I gotta check on work ;)

a love affair with food

2009-01-20T09:47:00.003-05:00

If you go back 15 years, and tell my parents that their daughter is going to love food, they would probably laugh in your face. 15 years ago, I would not eat simply because the food was boring or the food was distasteful. When they would force me to eat whatever they wanted me to eat in kindegarden, I would throw up soon after. They learned not to force me to eat.

My poor nannies probably had a headache trying to get me to eat. I only remember liking the following things that they cooked: rainbow snapper, steamed duck hearts, fried eggs (but only if it was medium over... I would refuse to eat it if the yolk had cracked or if it was cooked less or more than I wanted. the edge of the egg had to be brown, but the yolk had to run a little still). I didn't like rice (which was the staple food of my childhood.) I didn't like noodles if I got bored of eating it (the taste in my food was boring, there were no exciting flavours with each bite.) It wasn't their fault. If anything, I was just way too picky.

I still am picky. However, the primary chef in my current life is myself. So if I don't like something, I only have myself to blame. I wasn't specific enough in my sandwich love post... I would even go so far to dictate the type of ham and cheese and the brand of mustard or mayo or butter that goes with my sandwich. I made a truely food-gasmic ham and cheese sandwich yesterday. Utilizing lightly toasted (still white, soft on the inside, but toasted) sourdough, extra sharp yellow cheddar, black-forest ham, melted sweet cream butter (not salted, obviously), hellsmann/duke's mayonnaise (I don't care for craft... normally Kewpie is better... but that's for another time), spicy brown mustard... Anyway. It was phenomenal... the flavors danced in my mouth. Just enough punch in the cheese so that it wasn't drowned out by the ham. The mayo and mustard always makes the ham less vinegary, the butter softening the aftermath of the cheese... I savored every bite until just before it all got soggy. I will definitely have it for dinner again tonight.

I thought about complementing my sandwich with some lightly salted kettle chips, but it wouldn't have done my sandwich justice. It is food fine enough to place on the altar of whichever god wouldn't be offended by ham or cheese.

ok my food may not be that good to everyone else. but it is to me. and let me tell you, it's not just sandwiches i feel this way about... I absolutely love tasting and creating food. I'm not so much a fan of the eating part. I only like to eat when I'm trying to solve the mystery that's in my food. When hungry, eating is just a compulsion. But, I hope one day, to bring to everyone the love I have for my food.

H

A screenplay

2009-01-17T22:30:00.002-05:00

I've always wondered what a screenplay on my life would be like.

All I know is that to the casual observer, it's a series of random images. The lack of obvious cohesion is mostly because no one can understand me like I understand myself. And I definitely don't understand myself. As I sit in front of the computer screen to write this piece of... prose (perhaps an overestimation of my ability to put my thoughts in a literary venue,) I have seen at least 30 or 40 separate images that I would like to have depicted. But, all of these thoughts are what makes me me.

I feel like this post presented as an ego trip on how awesome my life is... It's not. There's been a lot of valleys, a lot of turns I wish I never took. But, I am so glad that I got to see, in brilliant cinematic color, the world in 3D. I'm glad I got to hear all the wonderful (and not so wonderful) music and sounds. I am glad I got to smell fresh bread coming out of the oven. I'm glad I can sense all awesome things in the world.

Even in trash there is beauty I suppose.

But back to this "screenplay." Would it be interesting? I don't know. It's definitely got enough drama in it to keep a soap junkie entertained. I don't think a screenplay could do it justice. I don't think a screenplay would do anyone/anything justice. Because there's no way of putting down in words, the ideas, the world, that each of us experience. And... my ability to be empathetic, like everything, has a limit.

I felt like writing a list of things I love:

when you walk into a house that smells like wonderful food had been cooking.
wonderful food, especially interesting fusions of culture
juxtaposition of color and shapes...
compliments. (everyone loves compliments, I'd be lying if i said I didn't care for them...men are vain creatures)
accomplishing something
creating/destroying things (mankind loves to play god)
driving fast
randomness... it makes life interesting

anyway that's just a start. already it's made me feel better.

Forget heat exhaustion...

2009-01-16T21:55:00.003-05:00

Let's talk about cold exhaustion.

While I'm not sure if it's a real thing, I feel like it is, so I'm going to talk about it.

When I feel severely cold, I don't have any worries of falling asleep. It's pretty damn impossible to fall asleep when your body is shaking like a monkey with withdrawal symptoms. Hard to flail and sleep at the same time, being my point. Anyway, the problem isn't with being cold. It's with the aftermath.

It's being too numb to realize you're sore. it's being too numb to feel that there's no liquid blood in your feet. For some retarded reason, nerves thaw faster than everything else. So it's about 10 minutes worth of pain and agony. THEN!!!! exhaustion hits. this is the cold exhaustion i was talking about. On my way home from work, i fought it valiantly. When I got home. I remember walking into my room. When I woke up, face down, roughly 4 hours later, i was still wearing... my ski jacket (soft shell + hardshell), a vest, turtleneck, mock turtleneck, tights, jeans, long socks, badge. EVERYTHING.

If my drive home was 20 minutes longer, i'm not sure i could have survived the trip home. I'm glad it wasn't. And I'm glad humans have the ability to build shelter, and heat said shelter. We're so awesome.

yup.

dragon dance

2009-01-15T12:55:00.002-05:00

The other day, as I was driving in 'rush hour' traffic on the way to work, I noticed a beautiful phenomenon. This occurence is a reslt of the following coincidences: everyone that is driving on that particular state highway, going that particular direction, at that particular time, is most likely someone who works with me. Furthermore, the bridge of a sideroad that many people use to go to work, is now under repairs due to the "heavy" rainfall that we had recently. So. Now that you understand the background...

130 is rather twisty, due to us being in the foothills of the appalachian and the nearby lakes displacing what could be highway real estate. There were no cars travelling south, upon my entrance onto 130. I was behind someone going roughly 10 above, which is normal for our rush hour traffic. the car in front and the car behind were traveling with me in what I could roughly call a pack. We caught up with a series of cars that were going the speed limit. And there was a LONG line of cars, going 55 mph. From where I sat, near the end of this line, I could imagine a twisting red dragon, snapping its tail (which was... our pack i guess) with every undulation, winding its way around the mountains. Pretty awesome imagery... It's not too far fetched of an image... I remember something in my culture about dragons live in the mountains and protect the land against invaders and bad luck.

I totally zoned out, and then found myself at work.

anyway, when driving/riding in a car, I always seem to see these breath taking views that no one else sees. I'm not sure if it's because I'm... weird. For instance, driving in charlotte down certain roads at night. with the tall oak trees looming by the road like pillars in a palace, the cars parked on the side of the road like attendents. That feeling that you may be royalty can be achieved by driving down that road.

While driving down an empty stretch of highway stretching in front of you to the horizon, with only slivers of clouds in the sky, no one else on the road, and a gorgeous sunset, turning the sky into a dance of colours, I somethimes think that I could drive forever. It's so breathtakingly beautiful. It's not the nature that gets it. It's man's conquest of nature that astounds me. And how nature can still manage to look like a belle at her debutant ball.

anyway.

Sandwich Love

2009-01-15T11:12:00.002-05:00

I have issues. I have lots of issues.

On a ham and cheese sandwich, this is the order (from top to bottom) that I like my sandwich. GOD forbid that it gets out of order:

bread
butter
sharp cheddar
ham
a smidgin of deli mustard
mayo
bread

No. I don't want anything else in my sandwich. Yes I'll take three of these. Oh, for the record, the bread should be either white bread or sourdough bread, with the crust cut off. Then cut in 1/2 but not a triangle or two identical rectangles, I like to have a cut somewhere in between the two, but still in equal sizes.

This is why I never bring a sandwich to work.

On growing up and being myself

2009-01-13T15:50:00.002-05:00

At some point in my life, reflecting isn't just an excercise in looking at videos my parents took before I could remember my own name. Everytime I head home, I'm flooded by all these memories of good and bad. There's not really any nostalgic feel to it, as I don't feel attached to my past. I've grown apart from it, but I'm glad it has made me who I am.

I remember the always leafy everygreens, the depressing skyline, the unending precipitation, the teenage angst and the mounting insecurities. I'm not saying that the feeling of "home" has changed much. But lots of what I remember has changed. Bellevue has a populace consisting mostly of disgruntled teenagers who've been pushed too hard in school with too much money to spend, and people that make more money than I do. Now, I don't hate Bellevue, I just feel, not justified there. I can't be more righteous, more rich, or more disgruntled than anyone. Basically, I fall in the cracks of mediocrity. I don't do enough (in fact I do none) drugs for them to be concerned with me, I'm not brilliant enough or ambitious enough for them to be worried or proud of me.

Now, I suppose this is not any reason to not have any self esteem, which I obviously don't completely lack; otherwise I'd be thinking "My stuff isn't good enough to even be on the internet so why bother... even my boredom can be superceded by another's." I should be happy that I have a job (albeit on the other side of the country), I'm not doing drugs/in rehab, I'm able to be independent. I just feel lacking compared to some of the people I graduated with. (If you happen to be one of them, I don't envy you, I don't want to be you, I harbour no negative feelings towards you, I just wish I was more ambitious and more motivated.)

Speaking of (this isn't even a legitimate tangent, but it flows in my mind), I've realized that I am really shallow. Yeah, I admit it. It's not that I'll hate someone just on the premise that they're "ugly." I just have decided (from online dating experience) that a person's looks really do matter. While I have grown to like many people, dating websites only provide a few statements by the person in question and maybe pictures in the profiles. Yeah, I'm going to judge you by how you write your sentence, how grammatically correct it is. I'll even go as far to look at how nuanced your connotations are, how "cliche" you are (but only if you're borderline). But, most of all, I don't retain interest in someone without a picture; and if you don't have a nice smile, the match is closed.

OK, maybe that's a bit harsh, but that's how it is. At least I'm Honest. That's ALL I HAVE to go by... so can you blame me?

I have a meeting to go to... so this might continue another time...