cabbage rolls

Irish egg rolls

Meiko - Piano Song

Every little thing I do, I do for you
With every little thing, I think a thought of you

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Jealous of the way they walk, the way *they* talk
'Cause I don't think they know just what they got
I'm jealous of the way they look, the way they are
When I just want to be the way we were

And I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here

But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me

Well, I try so hard not to notice
I try so hard not to care
I try so hard not to know that you're not here
But I'm counting down the hours
And I'm counting up the days
I try so hard not to show this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me, this side of me
This side of me,

The few... the proud

No i'm not talking about the marines.

I can no longer postulate what life has in stall for me. The last 6 months has been a giant roller coaster. I'm just glad I survived it. I'm not sure i can survive taking any more hits in the near term from anymore curveballs... But I know for now, they've ceased, and I've been reveling in this chance to recover.

hopefully it keeps up.

meanwhile i'll keep wrapping christmas presents.

Joshua Radin - One of those days

Wait right here
Was all she said to me
And so right here I stay
Time has reached our home
And I've been left alone
It's carried her away

And everyone keeps saying
Nothing helps but time
Time is all I own
The time won't stop replaying over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

Now a year has passed
Alone I stay inside
And I await the rain
To wash away your face
So I don’t have to hide
The sight of you is painful

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can’t take it anymore
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days

I can't stop
Seeing your face
I can't stop
Seeing your face
Everyplace

So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away
I know I can't take it anymore
‘Cause I see now
It's just one of those days (yeah)

Circumstances be damned

Sometimes... I wonder what becomes of us when we lose all hope. Do we simply surrender ourselves to the fate that we do not wish for?

Do we lose hope when devastating things happen, beyond our control? That the only reasons for these devastating events be circumstances, a combination of actions from individuals beyond our control. That is difficult to bear. Humans have always felt some degree of control, and lack of control, a complete surrender of wills is somewhat impossible. Even the most devout feel that their doings is sanctioned by some god, so they still maintain some degree of freedom.

Is it odd that when a long series of unfortunate events occur, that one feels that the will to recover is gradually becoming further and further away?

When it seems like the light at the end of the tunnel has extinguished, how long does one search? when does one give up? when does one become resigned to living in darkness?

Patience

I've never been good at patience, or waiting. Really, I like to think my personality trends towards realistic instant gratification. Quality is important too, and I'll sacrifice some speed for quality. I think anyone who knew me can tell you that I have a tendency to jump to the end. I don't like things to drag out, i don't like things to go longer than they should...

Recently, I think my patience has been fairly challenged by the events happening in my life. Not only is the most important thing in my life falling apart, it just seems like the other aspects of my life that i normally withdraw myself into has become a mess as well. I would like to think that when "shit" happens, I like to think that things always happen for the best, and that whatever doesn't kill us will make us stronger. That's really easier said than practiced. I am really a glass 1/2 empty kind of person, and realistically, 1/2 empty is a really degraded situation. I can easily focus on despair, and drown myself in it.

I think all I can do is focus on how lucky I have been to make it as far as I have. all this "at least you have a job, at least you can afford food" kind of talk is just... not realistic. It's not any consolation. Ultimately one should not compare yourself with others. Everyone's situation and circumstance is different. I've worked my arse off in my life to get where I am, and this kind of thinking is marginalizing my efforts. I am grateful for what I have, but it doesn't mean that I should always focus on what I have earned. I should focus on achieving that which I really want, and perpetual contentment would not breed self improvement....

I'm not quite sure what I said made sense in words... I dislike being told to focus on the "flip side." The japanese have a saying that there's a flip side to every flip side. One must look at both, and work on achieving the best situation.

Anyway, I think my best option is to wait out the events. We'll see how I do with time...